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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918291">I Feel Myself Faltering</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BEVGranger711/pseuds/BEVGranger711'>BEVGranger711</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Spoilers, SuperCorp, Supergirl (TV 2015) Season 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:34:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,249</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918291</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BEVGranger711/pseuds/BEVGranger711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is absolute torture. Gut wrenching, mind numbing, torture.</p><p>All I want to do is rage and scream and beat her angelic face into a pulp. But she smiled and the ice around my heart melted.</p><p>It really isn’t fair. I have every right to do her bodily harm, much like I do in my simulations every night. I have every reason to be angry, and yet I can’t look at her without feeling like I’m drowning in those blue eyes.</p><p>I have to remind myself that I have a plan. There was a reason why I asked her to lunch today. Well, technically two. And both reasons were meant to cause her pain, much akin to the pain I’ve been feeling ever since my brother outed Supergirl. But those damn eyes. That damn mouth.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Heart is Not Logical</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This is absolute torture. Gut wrenching, mind numbing, torture.</p><p>All I want to do is rage and scream and beat her angelic face into a pulp. But she smiled and the ice around my heart melted.</p><p>It really isn’t fair. I have every right to do her bodily harm, much like I do in my simulations every night. I have every reason to be angry, and yet I can’t look at her without feeling like I’m drowning in those blue eyes.</p><p>I have to remind myself that I have a plan. There was a reason why I asked her to lunch today. Well, technically two. And both reasons were meant to cause her pain, much akin to the pain I’ve been feeling ever since my brother outed Supergirl. But those damn eyes. That damn mouth.</p><p>I watch as the corners of her mouth start to curve down, her nose scrunching up, signaling she has something unpleasant to bring up.</p><p>I am almost too engrossed in the small changes her lips make as she transitions from greeting me to discussing whatever has her preoccupied, but I manage to make out one word, “Rojas.”</p><p>I am ashamed to admit how easily I was distracted, but that one word, name really, reminds me of the purpose of this visit. I feel distaste rise within my throat. Damn that woman. We had a deal. It was my secret to reveal, one of the few weapons I have left to use against the gorgeous abomination standing before me. The distaste quickly morphs into the all-too-familiar rage that has lingered in the back of my head for the past month. My plans have been altered, but no matter. I can still find a way to wield this.</p><p>“Oh, no. I’m so sorry, Kara. Ms. Rojas was not due at CatCo until tomorrow. We had a deal and I was meant to be the one to break the news. I’m afraid it’s true: I’ve sold CatCo. This lunch was meant as an opportunity to share that with you.”</p><p>I watch as the confusion in her eyes turns to disappointment. I see hurt flash as well. The monster that resides in the back of my mind, the one that embodies everything evil and awful about the Luthor name, the one that everyone expects to see from me, purrs in contentment. I can’t help the small smile that graces my lips. This is the just the beginning, my dear friend.</p><p>I allow the smile to widen as I say, “It was nothing personal, Kara. I hope you understand that. L-Corp has been severely lacking in capital recently, capital that is direly needed to continue my research. CatCo has not been doing as well as I hoped, and as you recall, I purchased it initially because I know how much you care about the company.”</p><p>The hurt is plain to see now as it covers her entire face. I feel myself faltering, but I will myself to continue, trying to be as convincing as I can be to Kara, but also slightly to myself as well. “This decision was based solely on business. I hope you can understand that.” It wasn’t made to hurt her, I tell myself. That just happens to be a plus right now.</p><p>“I am also really disappointed in Ms. Rojas for failing to abide by our agreement. I wanted you to hear it from me. I know how much the truth matters to you. I always try to be as honest with you as I possibly can. I know how important it is to you.”</p><p>Her eyebrows pull together to form one line. I have her. Despite every simulation I ran for this exact moment, I was not prepared for the amount of guilt I would feel. I wanted to relish in her pain, in her despair. To witness the exact emotions I’ve been feeling for the past month. That monster within me should be rejoicing, but I can feel it whimpering in pain, shrinking upon itself. Those damn eyebrows.</p><p>I can’t keep this act up much longer, so I switch to neutral territory, allowing myself time to recover and gain back that armor of rage. “But please, enough with this dreadful business. How are you, Kara?”</p><p>The furrow between her brows remains as she works up a response. I can almost hear the cogs turning within her own head, the turmoil that must be taking place between her secret identity and her role as my best friend. “Well, I would have been better if this news wasn’t true. But I’ll manage.”</p><p>My attempt at maintaining my resolve has completely faded. I open my mouth to comfort her, with what words I’m not sure. But then her phone vibrates and she glances at it. Her hurt, guilty expression quickly changes to determination and I can feel my heart sink deep into my chest. Of course she would do this now.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Lena, but I have to go. An important lead on the story I’m working on now just came through and I need to follow it right away. Rain check on lunch?” She smiles warmly at me and I just want to scream.</p><p>I somehow manage a smile and say, “Oh, sure. We can work on rescheduling it later. Take care.” I make a big show of turning back to my work, a clear dismissal. I stare blankly at the folder I’m holding until I hear her footsteps retreat, my office door open, and then close.</p><p>I realize that my hands are shaking and slam the folder down onto my desk.</p><p>I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. The way her whole being shifts into confidence and assurance. That wasn’t Kara looking at her phone there at the end. That was Supergirl. She’s gotten so good at separating the two identities that her whole demeanor changes. Such a change seems imperceptible outside of the suit, but now that I know, I can literally see Kara getting locked away in some small part of her brain as she allows Supergirl to emerge. She wasn’t off to chase some lead, she was off to go save someone.</p><p>My hands are still shaking as I place them slowly onto my desk, breathing deeply and practicing my calming techniques, trying and failing to empty my brain of all thoughts.</p><p>Kara is--no, was--my best friend. She was the one person I could count on. She knew all of my dirtiest secrets, my darkest impulses. She was the one who could bring me back from the edge when no one else could. She was the first one to look past my last name and see me, not the sister of Lex Luthor, not the daughter of a terrorist, she saw me. </p><p>At least, I thought she did. I thought she felt the exact same way about me, that I was her anchor, too. But I was wrong.</p><p>A sob escapes from me and I clench my hands on my chest, feeling my heart break into a million pieces. </p><p>The past three years were a lie. In hindsight, it is as clear as day that the rest of our friends knew Kara’s secret. All of the unexplained exits, even in the middle of game nights, went unnoticed and unremarked. I thought this was just a weird quirk in Kara’s personality since no one questioned it, but now it’s clear that they were covering for her. They didn’t question it because they knew the real reason for her absence. I was the only one left in the dark. Because, apparently, I could not be trusted with the truth.</p><p>The Luthor name often bears a heavy, but manageable weight on me. But today, in this very moment, it felt suffocating. Of course a Super would never fully trust a Luthor. Of course Kara pretended to be my best friend, to remain close so that she could keep a close eye on me.</p><p>A logical person could try to explain why everyone else knew, but not me. Of course, Alex would know. They grew up together. Of course, James would know because he’s also friends with Superman. Of course, Kelly would know because she is Jame’s sister. Of course, Brainy would know because they work together. Of course, Nia would know because she’s dating Brainy.</p><p>But the heart is not logical.</p><p>Lex was right. You can’t trust anyone, especially a Super, because they will always betray you in the end.</p><p>I angrily wipe the tears off my face and get to work.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. My Mind is Clear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I can feel my palms start to sweat and I slowly pace back and forth. There’s about ten minutes left until I’m expected to make a speech for Kara’s Pulitzer, an award given for her pursuit of the truth. I have to bite down at the anger that began to swell at the irony. It was vital for me to keep my composure in the next hour. I must have a clear mind.</p><p>I always hated the wait before a speech. The small bouts of anxiety that would bubble and surface at the idea of speaking in front of people, of speaking in front of press. A Luthor never did do well in the spotlight. </p><p>I run through the speech again in my head for what must feel like the fiftieth time, and then run through the actions that must take place afterwards. I begin to pace a bit faster.</p><p>“Lena?!”</p><p>My heart skips a beat. She’s not supposed to be here. I made sure that I would be alone during this time. I cannot have a clear mind if she’s here.</p><p>My jaw clenches and I ease a smile out and say, “You caught me! It was meant to be a surprise, but I’m going to be the one to introduce you. I couldn’t miss an opportunity to tell the world how wonderful you are.” Thank you, Lex, for teaching me how to lie through the skin of my teeth.</p><p>Her response is not one I expected. Kara’s lips would normally start to slowly smile, the very picture of modesty. Her gaze would drop, her hands would reach up to adjust her glasses, and she would blush. But this time, her eyebrows furrow and she turns away, “No, no, no, no. Lena, I can’t let you do this. I don’t deserve this.” </p><p>I start to deny this claim and try to convince her that I could never believe such a statement. That she’s the most deserving of such a reward for the relentless pursuit of the truth, but she interrupts me.</p><p>“I’m Supergirl.”</p><p>A brick wall slams into me. I can’t breathe. I know this is a vital moment, but I can barely focus as she explains her reasoning for not telling me sooner. How hard she tried for the past three years to tell me, but the timing never felt right. How she convinced herself that this was in my best interest to avoid causing me any further pain. How she was protecting me.</p><p>The moment that I’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. I hoped that she would be able to tell me this herself one day. I dreamed of this moment ever since my brother died. This should have been the validation I was waiting for, the validation that I needed. I wasn’t sure of what I would feel if such a moment like this would come to be true, but I did not expect to feel so detached, as if my soul was hovering over our two bodies, watching this scene play out dispassionately. I was numb. I was an empty vessel. It was too late. Nothing has changed.</p><p>Without making any conscious decision to do so, I can feel myself turn my back on her and walk away.</p><p>I make my way slowly to the podium. It is time. I am numb, but my mind is clear. </p><p>I change tactics. I alter the speech slightly, just enough, to get a message through to Kara, in between the words of praise and pride. I stress how hard the truth can be, how painful, but Kara’s pursuit is just and right. She may fall and fail at times, but she always gets right back up. These words imply that she is forgiven. I can see the swell of emotion in her eyes, her chest heaving with her breaths. She smiles and I can feel one appear on my face as well. </p><p>There’s applause. I am done with this one task, but another awaits me. I retreat back upstairs, into the haven that I thought was safe from Kara. I pull out the tablet from my purse and stare at the time.</p><p>9:00.</p><p>It’s time. Rojas is waiting for me to complete my half of the deal. She’s waiting for the story of the century, the story that would put CatCo in the forefront of everyone’s mind. The story that would change the world: Kara Danvers is Supergirl.</p><p>I just have to click send. It’s such a small thing. The energy of moving my hand, of pressing my finger down on the tablet, is minuscule. And yet, I cannot bring myself to do it. My mind is no longer clear, but I am sure that I owe Rojas nothing at this point. If she can fail at her half, then so can I.</p><p>I put the tablet away and make my way home.</p>
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